I was 9 years old when Ian Dury’s Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll was released. At 9, I am sure I knew nothing about sex or drugs but did know how to jive to Rock and Roll. My Mum trained as a Ballet Dancer at the Royal Academy of Dance, London and dance was something my brother and I were taught from an early age. I am still first on a dance floor when the music starts, dance is something I love.
Though not a hit when released in 1977, Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll became a popular phrase of the Midlifer’s era, something Charlie Jankel, who co-wrote the song, shared in this Louder Sound article back in 2016. If you read comments that Ian Dury has regularly made about the meaning within the song, he talks about it not being about rock star excess but about living a life outside the norm. It is easy, as we reach Midlife, somewhere between low 40’s and early 60’s, to feel we cannot step out of the norm that is categorised for us by society, the media and often the people in the crowd around us. How wrong could that be – we have to change that view and rewrite the vision for what normal looks like as we ride along this section of life’s road, The Midlife Lane.
Less Sex
‘Oh no not sex, please, do we have to discuss that subject in public ?’ I hear you cry. Yes we damn well do is my answer.
If you manage to get peri-menopausal and menopausal women to talk about their sex life, because their anxiety is already on overdrive and what will people think about them if they discuss sex, many will share that loss of libido is one of their top menopause symptoms. Mine certainly went missing in action within weeks of my surgically induced menopause kicking in following the removal of my ovaries in November 2020. It has still not restored itself to it’s former glory and seems it might not do either without a little coaxing. If you want to read more about this from professionals, Balance by Newson Health has a useful article, How does menopause affect my sex drive ? Balance also has a very useful App, I might add.
But it is not just menopausal women who find themselves with a low libido in midlife, it happens to men as well. This Lloyds Pharmacy article talks about how a reduction of testosterone in men over the age of 40 can lead to a loss of libido and an increase in time needed to achieve an erection.
This can be an interesting (other words can be used here) situation if you and your partner loose your libido simultaneously. Add to that being in a long term relationship where complacency has set in and you might be excused for thinking your sex life is over, forever. Something that can cause longer term problems if not talked about with each other, especially if sex has been an enjoyable and regular part of your life as a couple before your libidos went AWOL.
Maybe it is time to explore new ways of enjoying each others bodies. There is lots of advice out there for everyone, because how people conduct their sex life is certainly subjective and entirely up to them as long as it is consensual and it makes them happy. It is not up to us, or society, to judge and create the norm. Ruth Ramsay – Adult Sex Educator and Coach has an Instagram grid full off useful tips – I have signed up for her regular Saturday Newsletter ‘Something For The Weekend’, hopefully this will help coax my Midlife libido out of hiding.
Prescribed Drugs
Many of you reading this, I am sure, will fall into either the ‘I never go to the Doctors’ or ‘I don’t take tablets’ category ? I was that woman, though right now I appreciate getting an appointment with a Doctor is not an easy thing to do, and am married to a man who falls in to the first category.
When I had my ovaries removed one of the last things the Gynaecologist said to me before I dropped into an anaestheticly induced sleep was ‘You are likely to experience surgically induced menopause quickly, don’t struggle, get in touch with your GP and ask them to speak to me’. Did I ? Yes to the fast menopause thing, no to contacting the GP. I thought I could sort it myself because ‘I don’t take tablets’!
In January 2021, my ‘ I will make this better on my own with vitamin supplements and a positive mental attitude’ approach had to change fast when I reached a very low and dark place. Change was not just for my sake but for the sake of Mr B, my sons and my wider family along with friends and business associates as well. I turned into a Tosser, a very sad and fed up one at that, and you probably know what I think about Tossers if you follow me on social media or have read the About section of this Blog.
I did ring the Doctors and I believe fate played a hand in what happened next – I am a big believer in fate! A Nurse Practioner rang me back who had had her ovaries removed the previous Summer and knew exactly what I was going through. She helped me turn everything around with the help of my wonderful Gynaecologist, Louise Hayes at Scarborough Hospital. I started on HRT patches, they only seemed to be effective for a short period of time, before being prescribed Oestrogen gel. A young male Manchester Airport security guard tried to confiscate a tube of this gel from my hand luggage last year. Trust me he soon changed his mind when he realised this menopausal woman he was faced with might need it more than the trip she was going on!
HRT and Menopause is a much discussed subject in The Midlife Lane, it is very much discussed by Mr B and the partners of my closest friends as well. My advice is this ladies, talk about menopause and HRT, to your partner, family and friends but most of all your GP, and get all the prescribed drugs you can, and take the supplements as well, because the alternative can lead you to a dark, anxiety ridden, angry place.
No Rock and Roll after 9.00pm
At the beginning of this post I mentioned my love of dance, it fills me with positive energy and is great exercise. How excited was I to read at the end of 2023 that a group of people, including actress Vicky McClure who I think is brilliant, were hosting a Daytime Nightclub in Sheffield. Day Fever has since popped up in cities across the United Kingdom – who fancies joining Mr B and I at Day Fever in Leeds on Sunday 5th May ? Aimed at the over 30’s, Day Fever is a pop-up nightclub that is open between 3.00pm and 8.00pm. Ideal for those, like me and Mr B, in The Midlife Lane that like to be tucked up in bed by 10.00pm.
In our Midlife, Mr B and I have become afternoon diners and early evening drinkers. Late nights most definitley do not suit us any more and, FYI, I am not the happiest of people with out sleep!
I saw a post from Rants and Big Pants last week that was suggesting a Friday, Saturday or Sunday brunch and disco that would be finished by 9.00pm. Anywhere I can dance and am guaranteed to be in my PJ’s at a reasonable hour, sign me up! No Rock and Roll after 9.00pm might not have been the norm in the ’70’s but it certainly is in my Midlife world and I am sure it is in many of yours as well.
Photo Credit – The photo accompanying this post is Sheila – Miss October. She was one of The Menopause Calendar 2023 ladies. A calendar Helen King and I created and worked on together to raise menopause awareness. Photographs were captured by the talented Mary Davies . This one was taken in a Lincolnshire Co-op Pharmacy in Scarborough